JesFindingMySelf

I really hate that I am here in guam and you are in saipan. I mean when we were getting to know each other, we were seeing each other almost every single day. Then went to two times a week, now once a month. You know how much attention I need from you? I need so much. Your everything I think about MORNING, DAY, and NIGHT. I can stare at your picture all day and still not get 1 percent of your beauty. I miss you so much. I want to make sure your safe 24/7. I need all your attention because texting and calling is not close to having you in my arms. Even when we were with people and you were talking to them I was okay with it, because I was able to hold you in my arms. You are beautiful. I know you dont like to be called it but if guys think you are sexy. I admit I am insecure about you being with other guys. I hear my cousins talking behind my back, saying if they got the chance they would take you to their room and show you “Show you guam.” Thats my own family, what am I supposed to think when it comes to your exes and guys that you or he has had feelings for each other? Dont get me wrong I trust you. I trust you more then I have with any person. You know me more then any person in the world does, and I know if I loose you, I will be losing parts of myself. Look at what you did Saturday night. You got me to “dance” at a club. I can barley dance Jes by myself. But I knew how much it would mean to you, so I did it. I did it for YOU. I may have the ego of Jericho but, when it comes to stuff like that, I HATE IT. I get mad fun of already, why give people a chance to make fun of me some more? You coming into my life is the single  greatest event of 2011. I will never regret meeting you, or trusting you with my heart, EVER.

I love you OatMeal Cookie. 7/26/11 1:01AM 

I dont know if I should follow my heart of my head. I have been following my heart, thats why Im still here. If I have followed my head I would have been long gone already. I mean we go through so much drama, plus the drama I have to live with from my mom and dad, and the family I stay with now.

But look where I am, Im still here. Even after everything, I am still here. Yesterday I asked you a question. Today my only question is if the tables were switched, would you still be around? Would you put up with everything that I have? Come back from Guam a week early and then you lose feelings for me? If I stayed out at night with a girl? Texted girls while I am right next to you?

What if you were in my pants, would you still be here? 

What do you mean the old us? The part that we never fought? Or the part where almost every month you would lose the spark and I would have to do something to make you remember it?

You said your tired of us fighting. Well I am tired of doing things and then you lose the spark until I do something to make you remember. Do you remember the first time you lost feelings for me? It was a couple days before I met Mark and Naomi. We were supposed to talk but we never did because you forgot why you lost the spark. The next time you lost the lost it was a week after I came home from Guam. Remember I came home a week early so we can hold each other again? I only got you gifts, not for my family. I mean yea I got my lil cuz a bday gift but thats because I missed her birthday, and she is 3. I didnt have to get you a rose, or your favorite chocolates, but I did. I didnt even think about what to get you. Once I saw it in the store I knew I had to get it for you.

I do want the old us, but we both are different people then back then. We both changed. Before, you needed my attention, now its only sometimes. Its like you want me but you dont need me. You heard Leander, or I think you did. All I do is talk about you, think about you. That has never changed since I first laid eyes on you when you wore Jessica on your JROTC PT shirt to Air Force PT. I changed because you wanted other people in the relationship and thats not what I want. I want you and I, not you and everyone plus me. There is a quote that I read a few months ago. “A couple is 2 people, some bitches need to learn how to count.”

Yea I admit I messed up but I live with that everyday. I dont do anything that anyone could considered cheating. I mean I messed up once, but what did I do to show you that you mean more in my life then her? I blocked her and didnt talk to her for a long time. Like I dont want to lose you, so I lost a very close friend of mine to keep you. You spending time with all this guys maybe payback for what I did but I dont think I deserve everything your making me go through. We fight cause I am “Egu” well who wouldnt when their girlfriend is spending time with another dude? Let alone at night, when anything is possible? I trust you wont cheat but trust is not everything. Trust makes people blind. Trust is hoping that something wont/will happen.


One question I need an answer to is… If you really want to be with me, then why would you need anyone else? 

Today I really saw how you treat your friends better then you treat me. One very big example is christmas dinner, you were at my house. You were feeling awkward being about my family. So instead of staying for Christmas dinner with my family, which I spent BBQing and preparing for at least 3 days prior. I called your taxi, and walked you to Cool Market. Because of that I missed Christmas dinner. Nothing was left except scraps of nothing… But I didnt complain because it was for you. I was okay with leaving my family because you were feeling awkward. But today I was shocked when you said you cant be around me because your friend was getting awkward. He would leave because I was talking to you? I left my family because you felt awkward. Let alone Christmas dinner. I think family is more important then friends. Yea, I put you higher then my family, but push come to shove, my family is first.

I see that Im willing to get in trouble or possible get kicked out of the LAST house that I can stay in, Jes to spend time with you. But Im still doing things for you. I mean Jes today, I got 10 bucks for my christmas gift, and where did it go? It went to you. I would say 95% of the money I get goes to you. Whether its Taxi, or dinner date its going to you. I dont have a job so I dont get money often, but what I have I spoil you. 10 bucks here and there is not a lot but when you think about how much I get and how spread apart they are, it is. I could have my permit and be legally getting ready to drive, but I took you out to movies instead. Yea you check me but its never a risk for you. But every time I go out, and am late I can get lectured or worse kicked out.

 BUT today wasnt a bad day altogether. At the beginning and end when it was only me and you we got to really take. We hugged, kissed, and saw into each others eyes. The best part is you called me Babe, instead of Jay. Yea that is my favorite nickname but not from you. I feel like you are no longer my girlfriend when you call me Jay.

I miss and love you weirdo. 

18 days to go… IDK what I would do if you didnt at least talk to me for those 20 mins. I think you do it because you pity me. But no matter what your reason is, thank you. It still makes my day. I thought about you all day. More then I usually do. Which is funny because I think about you a lot. Its like that monologue from Mean Girls… I think I have the words right, “All I could think about was Gretchen, if I wasnt talking about her I was thinking about ways to bring her up in the conversation…” Yea, I have not watched that movie in a while, so its a bit rough. I could have really used you today. My family had a party and all you could hear was “JESSE!!” It really showed me how much Jes seeing you or texting you calms me down. I think this time apart is good and bad… Good because so far I am learning to appreciate you for all the lil things that you do for me. Its bad because I know your not my full girlfriend. Like we are together but at the end of the time apart, we could no longer be together… That is what I fear the most right now. You will realize how much your life is better without me, and leave me in the dust. I told you a lot of times already, that the first year I was living on Saipan I went out 2 times, but since I met you I have gone out almost every week. In one month I have done more things then I did the first year. Thats all thanks to you. IDK if your gonna read this but I miss you so much. I miss you more then you know. I know its stupid of me to “wear my heart of my sleeve” but I am, with you. I dont know the exact meaning of it, but I think it means to put your heart out there, unlike if it was in your chest and safe. But yea, my heart is all there for you. “Love is like giving a loaded gun to your partner, hoping they dont pull the trigger,” is one of my favorite quotes. It says so much, but when you love someone thats what your doing. I hope you dont pull the trigger.

July 26, 1:01AM 

Its only been 12 hours since we started this “Time Apart.” 12 HOURS!!! Didnt sleep at all because I hated this idea. I understand why we are in this situation. BUT I HATE IT!!! Its like we broke up. I dont want to text you because I know you wont reply to it. I cant take the rejection, not at this moment. I feel like Im on the edge again. I mean I promised you that I wont do it, but what if I dont do it? What if I go and swim and get a cramp… Its not my fault I got a cramp right? What if I slip and fall into the jungle and I cant walk and starve? You cant blame me right? Yea we are still boyfriend and girlfriend, but what happens when you dont want to be at the end of the 20 days? All I can say is, Im not happy. Not happy a single bit. I feel like this is the start of the end of us. Like if I could pin point an exact moment, it would be this.

“Endings are never easy; I always build them up so much in my head they cant possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed. Im not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end here
I guess its because we all want to believe that what we do is very important, that people hang onto our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is: you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.” J.D-Scrubs